I Lost a Friend That Wasn't My Friend

There are a lot of things I think about when I'm alone in my room. I get lonely (in a mental and emotional sense). I grew up being an only child, and having play dates with girls my age, back in my day, it wasn't my perfect cup of tea. They were mean, snoody as well as vendictive. I couldn't play with their toys when they invited me to play, and if I was allowed, I'm only allowed the ones where they thought I was perfectly suited for. I usually preferred to have play dates with boys. At least they understand the concept of play, and just having a fun time.

I'm not saying I hate girls, but they don't seem to just see me as a friend. But the ones I am friends with, still to this day, they're worth keeping. I love them, and try to be there and give my support as well as my understanding when they need me most. I don't expect the same in return, because a friendship doesn't necessarily mean that it's a give and take, back and forth constantly. There are times when you don't receive anything in return, and being a true friend, you'll understand and accept that, no questions asked.

Back in 2002, I made many awesome friends, and there was one in particular that was dear to my heart. We were like sisters. We shared fun times with happy moments and even sad times, and through the laughter and tears, something just happened. By 2005, our friendship drifted apart, and I tried to find the reason for it, even to this day. I can only make assumptions when I get frustrated, not knowing why I was getting the silent treatment, or that awkward mood everyone's in when I'm around. In high school, I spoke my mind, I didn't care if it hurts someone's feelings. That's my mechanism in protecting my pride and feelings when I'm not feeling like I'm being heard or understood. I was still a kid!

There are always two sides to a story if it involves two people. Maybe more sides to the story depending on the number of participants in the story. I'm not saying that my story should be interpreted as the only story, no, it's just my side, my thoughts and feelings. I'm just frustrated at how I put the effort in, and receive none on the other end.

After graduation in 2006, I gave my ex-friend a call and asked where our friendship stood, she told me that she's not ready to face that question, just give her some time. Later that year, I gave her another call, and her number was disconnected. We occassionally bump into each other, but she treated me as if she hated my guts. I cried every single time that happened at night in my bed. It's a bad breakup.

Over a period of time, that sadness haunts me and turns my emotions to anger. I tried to contact her, and she's a very hard person to seek out. I didn't want to drag our group of friends into it, because it's my issue I need to resolve and accept. So here I am now, in 2010, finally got the courage to do everything in my power to drag her out in the open to tell her how I feel, and seek her side of the story. I tried myspacing her, searching facebook to see if she had an account. I even googled her. I realized that I was becoming stalkerish, so I asked our group of friends for her number. One of the number didn't work, but the second one did. I was afraid to call, because I knew I might cry, so instead, I texted her. This is how the conversation went:

NOTE: I edited her name to be called "ex-friend" and any other names in parenthesis. This is for respect in keeping it anonymous.

(For those who might know who I'm talking about, please in respect to her and me, don't type it in the comment box, or play the guessing game).

Text message convo started: 9:09 AM

ME: Is this (the ex-friend's) cell?

EX-FRIEND: Who is this?

ME: Huynh.

EX-FRIEND: How did u get my number?

ME: I asked (a friend). If this is (the ex-friend), I just wanted to talk later today, that is all.

EX-FRIEND: Talk about what? i dont think thats necessary.

ME: It's been more than 4 years. A grudge has to dissipate sooner or later, why can't you accept the past being the past, and just be mature about things? I never stopped thinking about you, and I listened to you when I asked when you'll be ready to talk. If you're upset when we were in the same store and I didn't say anything, well, it's not my fault, you wanted distance.

EX-FRIEND: Omg wat the hell is wrong with u? All of a sudden after so long n now ur texting me shit n blaming everything on me? Ur the one that had the grudge n u r the one that distance from EVERYONE. I forgot about the store incident its only u whos not over the past. I guess some ppl never grow up n that includes u immature one.

ME: How am I suppose to know how you feel when you don't tell me? Your number gets disconnected, fine, I'm immature. I don't distance myself, I give space when others request it. I don't know how you feel if you don't tell me. You can't yell at me for making assumptions. I just want to work things out, that's all I ask. I ask for forgiveness, and compassion as well as understanding from you. I can't understand if you don't tell me. I regret the past in some sense, and just want to know. I also want to make this clear, there is no blaming, just acknowledging what I know of the known. I admit I was in the wrong in the past, but people change, and they are different than what they were as adolescents.

EX-FRIEND: U know wat just leave me alone i dont want u in my life at all. And its not that i dont forgive but ur existence is not important to me therefore i dont even think about anything that has to do with u. Sure ppl change but by the way u sound it looks like ur still the same hypocrite huynh to me

ME: That's all I want from you, just the truth, and closure. Correction: everyone is a hypocrite, I'm not unique enough to just be the only one. May God bless you and your future, and I mean it, and He knows, even if you doubt my sincerity.

Text message convo ended: 10:06 AM

That's how the story ends. She wasn't being fair at all, but I guess life's not fair to everyone, so it's not something I should be hung up on. I guess I lost a friendship that really wasn't a friendship back in 2006, but before the conversation ended, she was still my friend, whether she viewed me as her friend or not.

After all was said and done, I'm glad to say, "It's finally resolved, let's move forward!"There are plenty of things in life to look forward to, and avoid.

Price per text message? 10 cents

Price for tissue paper? $1

Price for a lost friendship? Priceless

Image by Simon Dalin